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What’s important is that we all realize that we lose people through transitions because in each transition, their faith is tested … Transitions can be tough, really tough, and we as pastors and lay leaders always need to be mindful of them.” Clayton Coates, singles pastor at Saddleback Church

One of the most common places where ministries allow people to fall through the cracks is during transitions. In the singles community there are many transitions. Here are just a few:

Graduations from college and finding your first job/ place in the “real world”
This transition can be very difficult in a 20-something’s life. I will never forget a young lady who came to me one day during her first summer of working. She was so bummed and seemed disenchanted with life. After a few questions, I discovered this was the first summer of her entire life where she wasn’t either a camp counselor, nanny, or sleeping in. The “Real World” had hit her, and she wasn’t prepared to embrace her two weeks total vacation time for an entire year. This is just a small example but moving from college to single adult is a huge transition and responsibility on so many different levels.

Single to engaged
Singles are waiting longer and longer to get married. In my part of the world, the cost of living is so great that single adults are working hard to climb the ladder of success so that they can afford to live here, and then they can pursue relationships that would lead to marriage. Each area of the country may have a different average age for a first marriage, but the transition is the same. You are moving from doing life on your own to doing life with someone else. This is the transition where a single adult makes the decision that the person they are dating is the person with which they’ll spend the rest of their life. Engagement is a huge step and for some couples is irreversible, even when they are shown “red flags” or “warnings” in their relationship.

Engaged to married
For those who enter the world of marriage unprepared, it can seem, as Will Smith said, “a flip turned upside down!” When I counsel engaged couples, I have given them two pieces of information (this is a personal practice and not something that everyone agrees with). The first piece of information is that I will force them to have hard conversations and I will try to break them up. I am joking, but only in part. I know that if the couple is able to address serious issues, learn how to fight fair, resolve conflict, think about the future, and tackle a variety of other issues, they will have a higher opportunity to remain married than a couple for whom I just perform the ceremony.

The second piece of information I tell couples is that I have the right not to perform the wedding ceremony. Many times, because I am a friend of someone or the “singles pastor,” couples feel as if it my job to marry them. I have the ability to say yes to whomever I want, and I will only perform the weddings for those who I believe are being obedient to God in their decision. If a couple does not agree to the counseling or I don’t believe that a couple should get married, I don’t do the wedding. The very first wedding that I performed, I performed because it was a friend and I felt obligated. I did not feel right about it, yet I stood there as a pastor and representative of the Lord and performed the sacred union. I found out only a short time later that the marriage had ended, and it totally broke my heart. Weddings are sacred and should never be performed in a flippant way.

Married couple to single
People who stand before a pastor, beside their partner, and in front of friends and family never think that they will be anything other than married. I have not talked to one single person in the last 14 years of ministry who has said to me, “Yeah, when I got married, I really knew I wasn't going to be married for the rest of my life.”

This transition can happen because of divorce or death. Recently, I had the privilege of ministering to young ladies who are single because they have lost their husbands at a very early age. Whether by death or divorce, this is one of the darkest places where we have the responsibility as a church to walk alongside our brothers and sisters in need.

Married parent to single parent
A friend of mine who founded the Center for Single Parent Family Ministry, Gary Sprague, has really helped me see the complexities of being a single parent. As I have walked alongside our single parents, I have been able to see their pain, frustration, battles, fatigue, desires, joys, and needs first hand. Single parents, as Gary says, “Are our modern day widows and orphans.” He is right. The church needs to come alongside these precious moms and dads and act as their spouse.

There is a misconception that single parents are single parents because they are divorced. This is simply not always the case. Single parents are single by one of four means: their spouse passed away, they went through a divorce, they are separated, or they were never married when their child was born. As you will read in the next issue, when you build this ministry, you have to be very mindful of not allowing the focus to be on divorce and the issues that follow.

Single parent to step family
Speaking of difficult transitions! As I have had the opportunity to speak into the lives of single parents, I encourage them to spend all of their time focusing on their children if they are still in school. I encourage them to go out with groups of people but to not fall into the trap of becoming a career dater like their single friends without children at times become. Our children should always be our focus. We will be held accountable by God for the way we raise our children. Children do not need the added confusion of different men or women coming in and out of their lives.

There are times when a single parent falls in love with another single adult or single parent and the “blending” of families begins. There are so many complexities that enter into this transition that are best tackled before the wedding. If this transition is present, know that there is help out there. We will talk more about it next month.

Decades
Many times, the 9’s are tough years for singles, such as age 29, 39, 49, etc. At these decade transitions, many singles reflect on the fact that they are not married and are becoming older. This is not the rule, but is something that we should all be aware of. Your church doesn’t need specific retreats for the “9’s” or anything like that. Instead this transition reinforces the need for everyone to be in a small group where they are doing life with others. The fact remains that we are better together.

This list of transitions is not exhaustive by any means, nor will all of these transitions be present within your singles ministry. What’s important is that we all realize that we lose people through transitions because in each transition, their faith is tested. Individuals have the ability to either draw closer to God or turn their backs on God. Transitions can be tough, really tough, and we as pastors and lay leaders always need to be mindful of them.